Desire is not a drive

In Western cultures, there is a commonly-held belief that sexual desire is a drive, like hunger and thirst. 

That desire is a spontaneous, urgent experience that must be fulfilled.

We see you, Wuthering Heights

But. That is just the culture’s idea of sexual desire. 

I talk to a lot of folks who believe they must have spontaneous, out-of-the-blue, spark-y desire, that this is The One True Way, but good news; we're humans, we're unique, and we all work differently from one another. There's no one right way to experience desire, and knowing a bit more about how desire actually works will help you feel more confident as you navigate your sexual experiences. 

So, let's dig in:

😍 Desire is a system, not a drive

Desire is not a drive, something driven by an internal discomfort. It is an internal system driven by incentivized motivation — a wanting inspired by the likelihood of tangible benefits.

😍  We've all got sexual accelerators and brakes

We are all born with a unique set of internal sexual accelerators and brakes, motivating and slowing us down in turn. They work just like those on a car, independent of each other, but also affected by each other.

😍 Desire, like most things, is experienced on a spectrum

Most people do not have purely spontaneous or purely responsive desire. Those who have a more spontaneous style of desire typically experience desire without perceiving a sexually-relevant trigger or cue. Those who have a more responsive style of desire often need more sexual cues and contexts, and may not even feel desire until something they find sexually pleasing is already occurring. 

😍 Desire always functions within context

What stimulates our accelerators and brakes can change over time, due to situational context, quality of relationship(s), past experience, our culture and family of origin, health, etc.

Want to know more? Or curious about how best to work with your particular style of sexual desire? Reach out for a free coaching consult!